This week has been tough for me. First day of school. Max wouldn't have even been near old enough to go to school, but I couldn't help but be reminded of the fact that we won't have these firsts with him. It broke my heart. I just tried to stay busy all week, and did a pretty good job at that. My sister-in-law and her husband moved back here from Oklahoma. They have a 6 month old that I love and adore. My brother-in-law started his job, and she will start this upcoming week. I've somehow taken it upon myself to keep her busy and feeling happy. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. So, I've been trying to keep us busy and find things to do. I didn't realize how much it was wearing on me. Sometimes, I wake up and realize I need to take care of myself sometimes too. The last two days, I've realized that. But, I don't know how to do it. I started going on walks after I get my daughter on the bus. I think that's been helping. It's also been difficult to have a baby around a lot. Like I've said in past posts, the second year, and now the third year, have been harder for me than the first. I'm experiencing the emotions I thought I would in the first year after losing Max.
I also had an epiphany at church a couple weeks ago. I've been struggling to feel the spirit, and find myself not really wanting to go to church. First off, I realized I don't want to go to church, because I feel like I can't open up and cry and grieve. It's embarrassing for me to cry in front of others. We live with my in-laws and go to church with them, and I don't feel like I can truly grieve in front of my mother-in-law. I think she thinks it shouldn't still be affecting me as much as it is. I get so frustrated when people don't understand that this is something I'm never going to get over. I will always have pain. I will always be grieving. I think about Max every single day. I certainly hope this pain lessens with time, but right now, it's still pretty fresh. The other thing I realized is that I'm jealous of all the new moms at church. Anyone that has a baby, I'm jealous. I'm envious. While I don't want to be, and I know it's not right, it's not how God wants me to feel, I can't help feeling this way, However, ever since I've realized this, I try really hard to count my blessings, and know that I will get to see Maximus again someday. I remember that I do have two beautiful children alive with me today, which is two more than some people can say. I remember that these little babies have a mom and dad, an eternal family, and so do I. I'm trying to accept this and move forward, and I think I have a little. I just try to stop myself from feeling jealous whenever I see it happening. I am happy that these women get to have their beautiful babies, and I'm so grateful that they don't have to go through what we went through. It's hard to accept reality and try to push forward. I know this post has been a little scattered, just like my thoughts and emotions recently. Hopefully I'll be able to write better and more clearly soon. Right now, this is where I process some of my emotions and write down how I'm feeling. Please be patient with me.
