Max's 2nd Angelversary

I'm down today.  It's almost a week after Max's 2nd Angelversary, and I finally found some time to myself to just grieve.  We have a box of items in remembrance of Max, lot's of cards, a couple books, pictures.  I've been wanting to look through those, and finally did so today.  I got a good cry out, which I think I've been holding in for ages.  I know it's not healthy.  I don't want to make others sad though.  I didn't grieve as much as I wanted to on Max's angelversary, because I didn't want my parents to be sad, I didn't want our kids to feel sad, I didn't want my husband to be more sad than he already was.  Maybe that's not the best approach.  I guess I don't want people to see how much I'm actually struggling.  I don't want to be struggling and hurting as much as I am.  I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest when I really sit down and grieve.  It just hurts so bad.  I wish it didn't hurt as much anymore.  I almost feel like I did right after his loss.  I read through a letter from Share parents that talked about how the initial grieving process can last three years.  I think I'm in the midst of that right now.  Things have calmed down some since we moved back from Louisiana, and I've had more time to ponder and remember Max.  I think that's why I'm struggling so much right now.  Here are some of my thoughts this past week.
I struggled in the days leading up to Max's angelversary and on the day, though not as much as I thought I would.  I have found this year more difficult in regard to Max than last year.  I think that's, because last year, we lived in a completely new environment and were struggling to make ends meet at first.  Then, we were both in jobs that we did not like very much.  We were a couple thousand miles away from our families and support system.  I also think I've been struggling because we've been surrounded by family from out of town, and I just haven't had a lot of time to myself to process things.  We've also had two 5-7 month old babies around.  I love my nephews so much, and I'm so happy for their parents, especially my sister-in-law since they've been trying for so long,  But, I can't help but be reminded of what I didn't get with Maximus.  It doesn't help matters that I have to work 9 days straight, which started Monday.  It's going to be a tough week, but I think it will go fast, because I'm so busy with life.
Onto Max's day.  We brought some of the things that were super important to us to the grave.  Molds of his hands and feet, pictures, a stuffed bear with a cross stitched bib from a friend of ours, a small blue bear that was wrapped around some flowers another friend sent us, pictures and a small willow tree figurine of an infant sitting.  My sister-in-law and her husband also gave us some roses to put on his grave.  We brought some pinwheels and bubbles.  My parents brought a bob head squirrel, a bucket and pail with flowers, two butterflies and some balloons.  The kids blew bubbles when we first got there while we were waiting for my parents.  We released balloons soon after my parents got there.
My husband said that while we were at the cemetery releasing balloons, someone was talking to him, Max was talking to him.  Max told him, "Daddy, you can let me go.  I could have stayed and fought, but I chose to go.  It's no one's fault." Max told him, what kind of life would I have had if I had been born?  A question for my husband to ponder on.  I really think that if Maximus had been born, he would have been born with cerebral palsy.  What kind of life would that have been?  I wish I had heard that little voice too.  My husband thinks it's because I'm so sad right now.  I'm not feeling much else.  I tend to agree.  I've felt numb and empty a lot lately.  I try to go to church and feel the spirit, but I don't feel it much.  I want to.  I think I'm not relying on the Lord enough, and using His Atonement to get through this.  I guess I haven't figured out how to do that yet.  
I'm going to start searching the scriptures and conference talks more.  If anyone has anything that has helped them through the grieving process, please leave a comment.  I'd appreciate it.  I'm hoping that after my time to grieve today that I can push forward and start feeling happy more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything, and I do feel happiness, it's just not as much as I'd like to.  I want to spend time with my kids and just enjoy being with them, playing with them.  Anyway, here's to hoping I can find some peace soon.  Here are some pictures from our day remembering Maximus.